Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
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[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I’d hang this in my house.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again