Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
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Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?