Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
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I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.