Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
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Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5