Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

What do you text your spouse?

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

all that yoga finally paid off