Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
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Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.