take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
You Might Also Like
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Sorry. Not sorry
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.