Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
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Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life