Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
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I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.