take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
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I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.