Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

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museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig


I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.


I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.


Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.


It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.


Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.



Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.


me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:


(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off


Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear