Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Love this one 😂🧟
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
my dog when i have a friend over
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”