Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
