take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
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My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
bears
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down