Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
A man of commitment.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Breaking news:
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?