Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
That’s incredible! 👌
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?