Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
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I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.