Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no