Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.