Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
You Might Also Like
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I think I’ll stand
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Finally, a door that understands me
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*