[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
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Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.