[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”