Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”