[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
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Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.