@AnOrangeSNES

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

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@ceejoyner

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

@zachreinert0

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

@stevevsninjas

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

@JBusch260

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

@StillJessLS

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

@Faux_Ma

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

@mrtruthandsoul

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back