@bornmiserable

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

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@lovemydogduck

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

@TrentsNutmeg

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

@Martial1007

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

@DothTheDoth

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

@JoeMeatloaf

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

@_SingleBabyMama

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

@SvnSxty

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow