*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
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[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
live long and prosper!
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.