*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
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“no dont leave”
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My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane