*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
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It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll