*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
How does one answer this?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed