Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
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15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you