@Brampersandon_

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

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@JoParkerBear

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

@IvoryGazelle

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

@TwinSurvivalist

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

@ObscureGent

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

@CynicalTherapi1

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

@RocketRankoon

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

@droidbears

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

@Loli_Sug

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?