*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

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M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay


*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule


Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.


The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.


As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.


Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”


interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd


Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.


[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?