*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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Well, this certainly took a turn
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
hey, alexa
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily