*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
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The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while