*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
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[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine