*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet