[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Swedish for common sense.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.