[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My last name is Zilla.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.