*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Always 🥴
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Genius idea!!
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
This anagram machine is out of order.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.