*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
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THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.