*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
The smoothest fall of all time
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
LMAO
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.