*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
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If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it