*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
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Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate