*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
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Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
every college guy’s fridge
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.