*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
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I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality