*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
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They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn