@geowizzacist

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

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@Cheeseboy22

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

@patrickoriley

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

@RodLacroix

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

@wildethingy

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

@lisaxy424

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@Andee_Stewart

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

@PinkCamoTO

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.