*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.