@Cheeseboy22 I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
@geowizzacist *Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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@Cheeseboy22 
@407Creative I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
@patrickoriley It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
@RodLacroix Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
@wildethingy I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
@ShortSleeveSuit [family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
@lisaxy424 Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
@glamrockgoth Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
@Andee_Stewart Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
@PinkCamoTO H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.