*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?