[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
You Might Also Like
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
japanese corn
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
mentally somewhere in italy
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.