*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
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Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Xylophonist Shredding It
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
This is my favorite one of these!