*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
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my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.