*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
When ur friends with white people
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987